Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
