Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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