I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
