3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
