Soap is not a condiment
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.