I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
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I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.