Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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