Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
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She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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