I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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