His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
