Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
