I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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