I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
