I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
