I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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