We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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