He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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