Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
