My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
