At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
