Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i think my cat just said my name.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
