I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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