I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
