my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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