They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
