mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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