She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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