I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
