my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
