If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
