I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
