i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
