The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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