I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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