just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
