An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
