I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
