I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
