I wish life had little blips of pornography
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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