You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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