Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
