I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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