I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
