No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
