the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
