yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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