I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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