first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
