Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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