I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
