You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
