weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
