I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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