wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
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That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
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I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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