kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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