I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
