i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
