I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
