what day is it and did you see me today?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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